


Adventures in Babysitting

by TamscendingGender



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Babysitting, Ficlet, Fjord (mentioned) - Freeform, I'm Legally Required To Put Tary In All My Modern AUs, Implied Widomauk, Kiri Is A Demon Child, M/M, Nott (mentioned) - Freeform, Yasha (mentioned) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 16:52:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18595456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamscendingGender/pseuds/TamscendingGender
Summary: Jester and the girls are going out for a movie night, and since Fjord is sick, that means Molly and Caleb have to babysit Kiri. What can go wrong?





	Adventures in Babysitting

**Author's Note:**

> I hit a roadblock in the long fic I'm working on known as School Wifi Blocked The First Gilmore Episode And I Need To Know How To Write Him, and thus in the time I had I wrote this silly little thing. I just can't stop writing ridiculous Kiri antics.

“OK, you have to put her to bed at  _ exactly _ 8, no later, I will know.” Jester said, thrusting a long list into Caleb’s hands. “And no TV after 7:30 or she goes crazy. And not too much sugar. Molly, don’t let Caleb be in a room alone with her, he will give her cookies and she will go crazy. This is my phone number, and Fjord’s phone number, and the number of the restaurant, and Yasha’s number, and…”

“Jester, I know all of these things.” Caleb said, stemming the tide of information with a hand. “You told me them yesterday. And the day before. I have a perfect memory.”

“I know, but you might forget!” Jester said cheerfully. “OK, be good, Kiri!”

“Be good!” Kiri echoed, fluffing herself up and smiling innocently. Caleb eyed her suspiciously, not trusting the cute little bird girl. He knew exactly what she could get up to.

“We’ll be home no later than 12.” Jester said to Caleb. “Unless Nott gets arrested.”

“I will not steal things, Jester, that was one time!” Nott yelled from the doorway. 

“See you then.” Molly called from the couch, waving. Jester gave Caleb a big hug and skipped down the hallway. Nott and Beau waved and followed her. Caleb closed the door and turned to stare at Kiri. She cooed innocently at him and went to sit on the couch next to Molly. It was the first time that Jester had entrusted Molly and Caleb with Kiri on Girl’s Night, but it was also the first time that Fjord had been sick on Girl’s Night so there hadn’t been other options. Caleb loved Kiri as much as anyone else in their group, but she was a mischievous child and he wouldn’t trust her farther than he could throw her. 

“ _ Tusk Love _ !” Kiri announced in Jester’s voice, reaching across Molly for the remote. Molly snatched it out of her reach and passed it to Caleb as he sat down on the couch. 

“No, Kiri, there’s far too much sex in that movie for you.” Molly said, shaking his head at her. 

“Far too much sex.” Kiri repeated, pouting. “Approved list of movies!” she added in Jester’s voice. Caleb looked down at the list Jester had handed him. He didn’t need it, but he still wanted to make sure Jester hadn’t forgotten a movie.

“That says  _ Taryon Darrington _ , doesn't it?” Molly said, leaning his chin on Caleb’s shoulder so he could see the list. “I can never tell with Jester’s handwriting. It’s so...loopy.” 

“ _ Ja _ , she has approved  _ Taryon Darrington _ for our consumption.” Caleb said. 

“ _ Taryon Darrington. _ ” Kiri repeated, than said in Jester’s voice, “Percy is  _ sooooo _ hot.” Caleb agreed with that sentiment, but not coming out of a four-year-old. 

“Maybe not.” he said, digging a pen out of one of his pockets and crossing that movie off of the list. “What about... _ Honey Heist 2: Electric Beargaloo?! _ ”

“Has Jester seen these movies?” Molly wondered. 

“It is animated.” Caleb said thoughtfully. “Maybe she thinks that making something animated gets rid of all the inappropriate jokes.”

“Inappropriate jokes.” Kiri cackled. “Bathroom!” she added in Nott’s voice, and disappeared off down the hallway. Molly took the list from Caleb and read it to himself, his lips moving slowly over the syllables. 

“Half of these movies are just less smutty romances and the other half are like  _ Honey Heist  _ and  _ Taryon Darrington. _ ” he said finally. “Do we know any movies appropriate for Kiri?” Caleb frowned. 

“ _ The Mercer Cult: Uncovered _ doesn't have any cursing or sex in it.” he said thoughtfully. “But I don’t think she would be interested in it. You fell asleep halfway through.”

“I did not!” Molly protested. “What about  _ Turn Around _ ?”

“That’s a horror movie, Mollymauk.” Caleb sighed. “It gave Fjord nightmares for weeks.” They sat staring at the blank TV screen, contemplating the list of movies they knew. In the silence of the room, the sounds of Jester-like giggling and the occasional clatter of something drifted into the living room from the bathroom.

“ _ Shit. _ ” Molly whispered. “What is she doing?” They stood up as one and crept down towards the bathroom. The door was closed, but Kiri was definitely up to something. 

“You’re so pretty!” she was chirping in Jester’s voice. “Like a peacock. Gorgeous!” Molly and Caleb exchanged worried looks, and Molly threw the door open. Kiri was perched on top of the sink, Jester’s entire supply of make-up scattered across the counter. She was carefully applying excessive amounts of dark blue liquid eyeliner to her face. There was already purple eyeshadow and blue mascara dusted across her feathers. She looked like she had fallen into a sidewalk chalk factory. 

“Oh my  _ fucking _ gods, Kiri.” Molly exclaimed, marching forward and lifting the girl off of the sink. “We are washing this off  _ right now _ . In the  _ kitchen sink _ .” He carried her away, his tail twitching in annoyance. “Caleb, dearest, can you put everything away?” he called over his shoulder. 

“ _ Ja, Liebling. _ ” Caleb replied, already beginning to gather the open eyeshadow palettes and put them back in their places. Thanks to many a “Let’s put makeup on Caleb!” party, he knew how the chaos that passed for an organized medicine cabinet worked. He could here Kiri parroting things that Molly was saying faintly over the rush of water from the kitchen. Miraculously, there was not a lot of eyeliner spilled on the sink, and it was soon back to its normal mostly clean state. Any apartment that was lived in by both Jester and Beau was not likely to stay clean for long. He washed the spots of blue off of his hands and went to the kitchen to see how Molly was faring. The answer was: not well. There was water and soap all over the floor and all over Molly. 

“Get back here, you demon child!” Molly exclaimed. Kiri was perched on the windowsill, grinning evilly at him. 

“Demon child!” she repeated. “Get the fuck back in the sink!”

“Jester is going to kill us.” Caleb said, standing at the very edge of the puddle. 

“Jester is going to kill us.” Kiri agreed. 

“Kiri, I  _ suggest _ that you listen to Molly and let him wash your face off in the sink.” Caleb said, letting the magic seep into his words. Kiri cocked her head, then meekly climbed down from the windowsill and into the sink. Molly sighed in relief and vigourously scrubbed the little kenku off. While he worked on that, Caleb summoned Schmidt and worked to dry off the kitchen floor. It took a while, but soon Kiri and kitchen were sparkling clean. 

“All right, let’s watch a  _ fucking  _ movie.” Molly sighed. 

“ _ Fucking  _ movie.” Kiri agreed, than said in a strange man’s voice. “ _ The Unicorn King! _ ” Molly and Caleb looked at each other again. 

“That works.” Molly said, shrugging. They returned to the couch and found the movie on Netflix. Kiri perched on the arm, watching the animated unicorns and dragons dancing across the screen with rapt attention. Caleb snuggled up against Molly and eventually drifted off to sleep, lulled by the cheery fantasy music. 

He woke up to a frozen scene of unicorns fighting each other, Molly drooling slightly on his shoulder, and the distinct sound of someone rummaging through a cupboard in the kitchen and giggling. 

“ _ Schieße!”  _ he exclaimed, sitting straight up and disturbing Molly. 

“Whergh…” Molly grumbled, sitting up and blinking at him. "What...oh,  _ fuck. _ " They stood up and ran to the kitchen, tripping on each other's feet in their rush to stop Kiri from doing whatever she was doing. They burst into the dark kitchen, and Caleb cast Dancing Lights at the ceiling. Kiri was standing on the counter, a box of Girl Scout cookies in one feathery hand and the remains of another lying scattered across the counter. 

“ _ Schieße! _ ” she exclaimed in Caleb's voice. Caleb marched across the tiles and grabbed for her, but she jumped over his arm and ran along the counter, chirping excitedly and scattering cookie crumbs everywhere. Molly ran to intercept her, but she slammed into his legs and caught him off balance. She sprinted into the apartment proper, cackling in Molly's voice. Caleb's socks slid on the kitchen floor as he scrambled after her, Molly hot on his heels. They slid into the living room to see her slamming the door of Jester's bedroom.

“That one has a lock!” Molly shouted. “You fuking...fucking...bird!”

“Don't worry,  _ Schatz. _ ” Caleb said, walking up to the door and pressing his hand against it. There was a flash and the lock clicked. "I am a wizard, you know." They opened the door to find Kiri huddled behind Jester's bed, clutching the box of cookies to her chest. She cheeped at them.

“Come here, Kiri.” Molly said. Kiri straightened up, walked towards him with a sweet expression. On her face, and promptly dove between both of their legs and sprinted out of the bedroom. “KIRI!” Molly screamed, and the chase was on.

 

\------

 

Jester opened the door slowly and quietly to a darkened apartment. The TV was still on, casting a faintly blue glow over the three figures on the couch.

“Aww, look at them.” she whispered to Beau. Molly was curled up with his head in Caleb's lap, and Kiri was snuggled up against Caleb. They were all fast asleep. “They must have had the best time!”

“I'm sure they did.” Beau said. She sounded a little suspicious, but she usually was. Jester picked Kiri up and carried her to bed. She tucked her in, planted a kiss on her cheek, and tiptoed out of the room.

“Goodnight, Kiri.” she whispered. As she was closing the door, she could have sworn she heard Molly's voice mumbling:

“Fucking hell, Kiri! Never eat sugar again, dammit!”


End file.
